Getting my head around it

I’ve covered the subject of PSB-approved helmets for Singapore in a previous post. You can read that one here. 

But the gist of it is: you have to wear a helmet with the PSB sticker or you’ll be fined some $$$’s and receive demerit points.

At face value, that all seems perfectly reasonable. But when you consider that the PSB-approved helmets don’t actually provide the best protection for your head, the issue gets a little trickier.

Exhibition 1

I’d rather wear…

Exhibition 2.

This has been playing on my mind for a while. Should I just follow the rules and wear a PSB helmet, or take my chances wearing a helmet that may get me fined?

After trawling the local blogs and forums for a few weeks, I stumbled upon a post that helped me see things clearly. One fella quoted his Riding Instructor, who said something like: 

“If you think your head is worth $55, buy a cheap PSB-approved helmet. But if you think it’s worth more, spend the money and buy the safest helmet you can. Don't worry about the Traffic Police, worry about your head.”

In an instant I realized that I had been lying to myself. The truth was that I was primarily concerned with the aesthetics of my helmet. I wanted to wear a cool Vespa helmet to match my steed. I wasn’t really raging against the safety- factor of PSB helmets, but more the fugly-factor. 

That was a little embarrassing. I don’t consider myself to be so shallow. But there it was.

Since then I resolved to find the right helmet based on these criteria:

Safety (within my budget)

Comfort (for the tropics)

Styling (for my wounded ego)

After a few weeks of looking around, I settle on a Caberg Konda.

Strong enough to protect my head. 

Cool enough to wear in Singapore. 

And cool enough to wear on a Vespa.

I just hope the Traffic Police agree.

Worst. Idea. Ever.

They say that there are only two circumstances under which it is acceptable to offer advice to anyone.

When it is a matter of life or death; 

or when it is requested.

The following advice may form the basis of a hitherto completely unexplored circumstance:

When it is an epically stupid thing to do.

Here’s the story:

Fiery Temptress was getting her way because my Two-Horned Approach to acquiring a Vespa was well under way. And the cart was truly before the…erm…Vespa. Way before even test-riding the Italian icon, I had already researched, found and purchased much of the gear I would need. I had the helmet, the gloves, the riding jacket, rain gear I had my eye on as well as an iPhone mount for the Vespa. (So I could use it as a GPS)

All I still needed was the actual Vespa and, of course, a license to ride it.

Owing to various work and family pressures, I had postponed the date of my theory test three times. The new date was set for January 7. I would be returning from our overseas family vacation to Singapore on the 5^th.

Everything was set. My family was still in South Africa. I was only returning to work the following Monday. And I had a day and a bit to brush up on my theory before sitting the exam.

This time, there would be no problems. I was determined to follow through and write the test. No postponements. No excuses.

And then it hit me.

Jet lag.

Epic jet lag.

You know the drill. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t watch tv. I couldn’t eat much. And I most certainly couldn’t retain any amount of information for more than a minute. Operating the kettle became a tricky thing. Essentially, for a day and a bit, I was a big, sweaty goldfish.

By the time I got into a cab to head off to the driving centre, things weren’t looking much better. I’d only got around three hours’ sleep the night before, owing to the jet lag and two family cats that insisted on draping themselves over my face all night.

By now, just the act of walking had become a task that required my full, undivided attention.

I paid the taximan. I could have given him a hundred dollars for a fifteen dollar trip for all I know - even the most basic math had become completely incomprehensible to me. 

I zombied my way up the stairs and into the testing room. The testing officer had to ask me three times to produce my I.D. because by that time, even two-letter words were edging beyond my grasp. 

I slumped into my chair, wiped up some drool and waited for the test to start.

Screen flickers on.

Question 1 of 50.

Mandatory Traffic signs are:

A)      Triangular, red and white

B)       Circular, blue and white

C)      Circular, red, black and white

D)     Rectangular, blue and white

I stared at the computer screen with all the comprehension of a drugged monkey having a go at neurosurgery. The signs danced in my mind, forming a beautiful kaleidoscope of ever-changing colours and shapes. Which one was 'man-da-tor-ee again?’ my addled brain begged.

After a short while I started to freak out. Sweating. Shaking. Mumbling.

There was so much on the line. If I failed this test, it would set me back another month. And that would not please Fiery Temptress at all.

(She can be like that sometimes.)

How the hell I got through forty nine more questions with only four wrong answers will, like the fate of the Myans, remain a mystery forever.

This is why I feel I have earned the right to create a new circumstance under which one can freely dispense advice to another.

Don’t write any test with jet lag. It’s an epically stupid thing to do.

How to lose weight riding a motorcycle

Ride it in Singapore.

This is a pretty hot place. Even for Fiery Temptress.

Singapore sits a couple degrees below the equator, nestled between Malaysia and Indonesia. The temperature averages between 25 – 31 Degrees Celsius all year round, with a relative humidity that never dips much below 80%.

This is why we call it Sweatypore.

Note that the above was captured just after 7 at night.

A lot of the bikers you see on the roads have a peculiar habit of wearing thin polyester jackets, backwards. Yup. That’s right. Arms through the sleeves with the back in the front, unzipped.

I used to think it was nuts. Not so much anymore. Wearing a decent armored bike jacket here for one minute is a little akin to wearing a three-piece wool suit in a sauna. Fucking stupid.

So when it came to fulfilling my ATGATT desires, finding a good breathable jacket was a tall order.

I’ll spare you the insanity and instead happily report that I am gloriously happy with my Alpinestars T-Breeze Air-Flo Mesh jacket. Here’s the video review from Revzilla.

I also got myself some cool Alpinestars gloves to match.

I’m not usually this fashion or brand conscious. I’m just trying to deflect some attention from my ridiculous helmet.

And Fiery Temptress told me to do it.

Gearing up for your practical lessons

Part of buying a bike is getting all the accouterments that go along with it. I’m not talking about tassels for your handlebars or a piss-pot helmet to match your paintwork. I’m talking about the stuff that matters.

I’ve always been an ATGATT guy. All The Gear All The Time. Not because I have money to burn, but rather because I have numerous body parts and appendages that I’d prefer didn’t suffer any road burn.

Google ‘road burn’. I dare you.

My shopping list for gear was dictated largely by the motorcycle course I am currently finishing. After the theory came the practical lessons and with that a list of things that are mandatory for you to wear in order to do the lessons. Apart from having to wear long pants, closed shoes and a shirt with sleeves, you will need:

A PSB Approved helmet

Gloves

Elbow and Knee pads

When you add your colourful numbered bib to this overzealous assortment of safety gear, you really do look a total twat.

“Keep your eye on the prize,” the Fiery Temptress whispers to me. And she’s right, again. If I have to look like a twat to get my hands on a Vespa…so be it.

So…pads. Check.

Long-sleeves. Sure.

Closed shoes. Yup.

Helmet. WTF?

The PSB approved helmet thingy is quite a strange one. In Singapore, as with most other countries, the authorities require you to wear a helmet that has passed some sort of testing and approval. Here, the body that does that is the PSB. You can only wear helmets bearing the sticker below.

That all seems pretty normal right? Not so fast.

The strange things is that these helmets aren’t necessarily the safest helmets available. They’re just the ones that have been tested.

So, in theory, you can be wearing a $1000 helmet that meets DOT and European standards, but still be fined $120 and get docked three demerit points. All because of a sticker.

The reason these other reputable helmets aren’t PSB approved is that the importers don’t want to take the hit on testing. They need to test quite a few helmets at quite a few $$$’s. It’s a little short-sighted on their behalf if you ask me, considering the demand.

If I had my way, I’d be wearing one of these. Fiery Temptress digs it.

But, instead, I’m wearing one of these.

Fiery Temptress is not so impressed with it. 

How to pass your Class 2B theory test first time

I am currently enrolled at ComfortDelGro Driving Centre, doing my practical lessons. More on that later.

The information in this post pertains only to my experience at CDC. And it’s just some friendly advice. Don’t trust me to help you pass, it really all depends on you.

But the good news is it’s easy – if you just do this:

Attend the classes and pay some attention. The lecturers give out shedloads of great tips. So take some notes. I know it can be boring – but it’s worth it. Stay awake.

For a reality check, do one of the e-trial tests they offer. It will prove to you how tricky they make the theory test. Seriously, whoever sat down to devise a series of questions so tricky and confusing is one sinister bastard. There's a special place in hell for them.

After your e-trial test, you should be nervous enough to go back and hit the books again. Do it hard. Do some of the free tests you can find online. Do another e-trail test, they’re free too. Get used to the way they ask the questions. Get used to answering them quickly. And hit the books again.

There is nothing in that book they won’t quiz you on. I think there are 8 different tests of 50 questions each. You won’t know which test you’ll be given (it’s random), but know this: every one of them will have a few of those "Are you freekin’ kidding me?!" difficult questions. And remember, you can only get 5 out of 50 wrong.

If I’ve made you nervous, good. You’ll probably take it seriously. If I’ve freaked you out, don’t be. If you know the work, you will pass.

And I have proof. I wrote my theory test with terrible jet lag. Very bad idea. I freaked out. But I managed to pass it, just. 46 out of 50.

Get some sleep before you write. Fiery Temptress says so.

Surely you speak in jest.

I grew up in South Africa. It was a simpler time. All I needed to do to get my bike license was write a theory test. Pass it and bingo! You got a Learner’s License valid for 12 months. This license would allow you to ride (without a pillion) on any roads besides major highways.

At any point during those twelve months, you could go and complete your Full License with the Traffic Police. It wasn’t easy to pass, but the path you had to take to get there was easy enough.

These days I live in Singapore. Times are no longer that simple. But don’t take my word for it. Here’s a diagram of the path you have to take to apply for your full license.

And that’s just a Class 2B license. You’re allowed to ride any bike under 200cc. An open license, 400cc and above, will take you another 2 years of riding.

One would think that this kinda hoop-jumping and draconian rule making would lead to better riders on the roads.

Nope.

They mostly drive like they just stole it! Insanely dangerous lane-splitting. High speeds. In the rain. And a loose adherence to most other traffic rules.

Go figure.

The Chest part of the Two Horned Attack was tougher than I thought. 

A horny attack

That’s a shockingly bad title. I know.

But there's a good reason for it. Here goes:

Shaka Zulu was a great African warrior and King. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaka

He is credited with inventing the Two Horned Attack – a military movement that other more famous dictators and warlords would copy to great effect. Folks like a short French dude called Napoleon.

In essence, this attack (also called Buffalo Horns) was made up of three bits: A chest and two horns.

Imagine you’re way up in the sky, looking down on the battlefield. The chest would squeeze the enemy back, while the two horns would encircle the enemy on either side and attack their flanks. 

All at the same time.

Shaka won a lot of battles with this deathly maneuver. And if it was good enough for him, it is good enough for me. This is the approach I decided to take in order to get my Vespa.
Also, Fiery Temptress thought it was cool.

The Battleplan:

Chest – get a motorcycle license

Horn A – find an appropriate/available Vespa Scooter

Horn B – find the money to pay for everything above

All at the same time.